Portal 2 has toys

You: "Have you heard?!? Stephen Merchant is to have a starring role in Portal 2!!"
Me: "Orly? That's all very exciting, but I am trying to play angry birds"
You: "and they've announced loads of weird new tools and game elements.."
Me: "WHAT!! SHOW ME!!"



Yes, of infinitely more interest to the average British gamer than Merchant's continued domination of the quirky English accent with naturalistically awkward delivery market, is the reveal of the mind bendingly awesome toys we'll be playing with next year, which isn't that far away any more. It's gubbins galore in this sequel to the instant classic first person puzzler - a pant shreddingly exciting development, or bowel janglingly bad sign? Portal was special because of its simplicity and had little need of frill or pomp; a couple of portals, a few turrets and a vat of acid was plenty, so should we be worried? Of course not you silly goose, this is VALVE we're talking about, all will be well. More than well, if these typically cheery Aperture Science videos are aught to go by.

Come, come see the rest.. you monsters...

Bouncy blue goo, should work nicely with the slippy red goo, but larks o lordy, what a mess we're making.

The Excursion funnel hurts my mind just watching. This game is going to be confusing.



The Thermal Discouragement Beam; this is a euphemism for "laser"



Bouncing madness



This one sucks.. the walls.. off the walls..



Oh and, go on then, Stephen Merchant as Wheatley. I have no problem at all with using him, I find him an amusing and highly talented chap and besides, it's always nice to see English robots. Still, it's a bit of a departure for Valve to use such a well known talent - although perhaps outside of the UK, and the reach of those terrible Barclays adverts, he remains sufficiently unique for the average gamer. We'll see. Watched them all now? Ok good, now go back and read all the brilliant tiny small print on them - such as the back-story behind repulsion gel, as Aperture Science's second attempt at a dietetic pudding replacement..

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Treehouse Mini Review: Limbo

Another demo that leads to an instant purchase – Limbo is a 2D platform puzzler like many others – guide the character across the landscape avoiding the traps and pitfalls. What makes Limbo uniquely irresistible is its delightfully melancholic presentation. A beautifully minimalist, grainy art-house black and white landscape is yours to traverse, as you, a nameless silhouette of a boy, awake in a dark and murky forest – all deep shade and eerie mist. Like crossing some macabre children's book dreamscape, the woods gradually introduce you to the game’s wicked intentions, and devilish sense of humour.

Here, physics are king with its rules all closely observed (except when they’re not) and the boy’s fragile little body, in its little schoolboy shorts, proves easy prey for the spiky pits, the powerful beartraps, the tumbling rocks and any one of 4 million other ways you can meet your demise here. Death comes hard and fast- the gore (which can be turned off) is surprising initially but is simply a logical conclusion of the world. Fall on a spike, there you stay, all spiked and dead. Each death is silently contemplated for a few moments before a nicely reactive checkpoint system means you never have to retrace a section or jump prior to the one you just died on.

As the game progresses from wood to cave to mountain to factory floor, the tricks and traps become ever more fiendish and a lot of trial and error becomes necessary – so determined are Playdead to separate your head from your shoulders. Leaping through one set of apparent death traps will usually lead you straight into the arms of another – but these tricks are so mischievous, so cheeky you can’t help but smile as you fall to a horrific death for the umpteenth time. The demo itself climaxes with a huge spider you’ve bothered previously picking you up as you struggle helplessly tangled in its web – even the language employed to make you buy the game is irresistible – Push x to “Abandon the boy”. Who could be so cold?

The why’s and the wherefore’s of the world are never revealed. This is Limbo, in it you will encounter others like yourself, suspicious and unfriendly. Also the bodies of several others, which can be put to good use several grisly puzzles. We do find a special someone by the end, but whether or not it is your sister, as the marketing blurb will have you believe, is academic. Music is minimal, the sound of your feet crunching through the undergrowth and wind in the trees suffice as part of a rich and evocative soundscape.

The boy himself is a joy to handle – not used that line for a while – he has a real sense of weight and movement and scrambling up ledges or leaping from chains to safety he sometimes seems to control himself unbidden, so responsive are his twitchy little feet. Comparisons with Braid are an obvious start, but aside from the 2D and platforming, little else here is similar. Emotionally, its closer to Shadow of the Colossus – the sense of isolation and desperation is immense.

At 1200 MS points for a little under 6 hours play, Limbo may seem pricey – but it is 6 hours of pure platforming joy that’s fun to revisit. You will simply not be able to put it down until you've reached wherever it is you're trying to get to. It’s also a great play for new/lapsed gamers so simple are the controls and captivating the presentation. Go on, give it a whirl.

Treehouse Rating: 4 out of 5

Plays like a dream

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E3 Mayhem!

So the 3 big have all shown us their wares – after the 1st official
day, Monday not officially counting as part of the show proper, Microsoft, Nintendo and Sony have dazzled us with the future of gaming for another a year – hard to believe it’s been a whole year since last time. And now as we sit back reeling from the technological marvels of the last 48 hours, stroking our beards, and mulling over who “won”, S1nner pierces the swirling fogs of misguided thoughts by pointing out to me, “it’s not the winning, we’re all gamers”. And how right he is, we are the winners for we get to keep the spoils from all three. Surely now we can put aside these childish notions of who had the best show, who had the least cock ups, who Won? You’d think so anyway, fact is Nintendo won, here’s why.

Nintendo have done a complete volte-face since 2009. Last year’s showing was marked by a firm focus on the dull – family games, shovel ware, wii fit. Tee-dee-ous. And after it, many ninty fans stood, Skywalker style, over pyres of burning Nintendo paraphernalia, weeping openly into the night. Well, they’ll wish they’d just put it in a box in the attic this year because Nintendo, clearly stung by the reception last year have come out all guns blazing. This year the focus was firmly back on the hardcore, with nary a shot of a happy family in sight. The show kicked off with a new Zelda game for wii, looking fairly gorgeous and marred only by some apparent technical glitches, Miyamoto-san showed us some sweet new weapons and full 1:1 motion control with Wii motion plus (looks like I’ll finally have to actually stump up for it after all – and seriously, why hasn’t Link always had a whip?!)

Old school fans rejoiced as killer announcement followed killer announcement ; Kirby (looks genius) a Goldeneye remake, Donkey Kong Country, and finally Kid Icarus. The last announcement was slightly diluted for me, being as it was being introduced on a brand new piece of hardware, the Nintendo 3DS. It’s been on the horizon for a while, but we got our first glimpse of the sexy minx, and despite not being able to appreciate the thing in 3d, this is clearly a do-want situation, at defcom 9, and represents what will be my fourth purchase from the DS family. Goddammit. Full 3D without the need for glasses, a sexy widescreen, analogue stick, built in 3d camera, and all the goodness we’ve come to expect from our DSi’s which can expect to be Ebay’d pretty damn quickly once this puppy drops. With a ton of 3rd party support too and some top games being announced, even as we speak, this looks to be a real winner.

Yes, Ninty was on top form, all the heavy weights coolly threw in their pitches, masterminded by Reggie and flanked by Satoru and Miyamoto, the guys were up there having fun.

A concept sorely lacking at yesterdays Microsoft presentation which was characterised by painful sequence after painful sequence of guys and girls HAVING FUN ARRGH! As in the kind of fun you have when you look off stage and someone is aiming a rifle at you; “have fun I says” the mystery sniper hisses. Anyway I digress - the pained fun being had couldn't totally hide the great tech on display- as Natal became “Kinect” in a terribly clever fusion of “Connect” and “Kineticalisation” which means “to flail”. Yes, Natal is no more, and I’m sure the new name will grow on me, like a fungal infection. No, none of the presenters seemed at ease, perhaps the burden of going first, but little humour was on display following what most agree was a fairly disastrous showing the night previous by the Cirque Du Soleil. Honestly, who thinks this stuff up?

“Kinnect” still has much to do to convince as the focus was, in a weird taking up of the Nintendo mantle, fairly focused on the family. True outside of the Kinnect piece, there was exciting showing of core games; Gears of War 3, Halo Reach and some wholly remarkable footage of Metal Gear Rising – slice and dice baby – and yet the abiding memory is of several people leaping around onstage to some rather second rate looking family titles. Ohno. That said, it wasn’t by any means doom for Nata- Kinect – the demo of the new UI was freaking sweet – “Xbox, make me a cuppa” – will be heard in my house as soon as I have one – the voice control being both awesome, and clearly the way forward for mankind. So too was general minority report style navigation of the menus sweet to behold, and cause for real excitement. Other demonstrations – less so. The 8 year old with her virtual tiger was inconceivably cute, and I did want to play with it (the tiger yes?) , and was impressed by its fidelity and responsiveness and tripping it up with the skipping rope in bullet time, but see what am I saying? Am I really excited for a virtual cat you can pet? Damn, guess I am a bit. But only for the technology you understand.

The fitness game demo’d, while deeply dull in itself, still revealed quality potential in the system which continues to impress with its full body mo-cap. So too did the dance game, which should have had me staring through my hands in horror, but actually looked like a ton of fun, and may even actually help me improve my already highly advanced dance skills in the pursuit of da ladeez. The Starwars lightsabre demo, suspiciously unplayable, looks kinda fun, but suffers for being on rails - I still can’t help but feel that something is lacking, and I hope that Msoft don’t rule out the inclusion of a left handed nunchuck style joystick for character control – we don’t need a wand for the right hand, we can just scan in a ruler or a banana for that, but how are we supposed to move around these game worlds accurately? I guess time will tell what their plans are but I really hope there is a sit mode for at least some games.

The final bombshell though was the announcement of a new 360 sku, which had been rumoured previously, but said rumours failed to convey how deeply sexy the new box would be. I was instantly smitten, sign me up for this sleek, whisper quiet finger print magnet, available in the UK in just 4 short weeks time for £199 – hand it over!

Sony meanwhile went last but didn’t come last – I’m sure Sinner will have much to say on their showing. They too were having lots of fun on stage, lots of 3d gaming, bit moot for me at present, and Kevin Butler giving an impassioned speech about what gaming means to him that hit a lot of right notes – if this is all true and it’s what Move has in mind sign me up (man do I really have to buy 3 new consoles this year?!). The Move demonstrations didn’t show as much as I’d hoped – I’ve seen some stunning tech demos online, but I guess E3 is no place for such tinkering, here we need big games, and Sorcerer fit the bill nicely, all spell casting and fireball making – the interface looked slick and responsive.

Sadly lacking was any sniff of The Last Guardian, but bizarrely compensating for its absence was Gabe Newell showing off Portal 2 and declaring that the PS3 would be the definitive version! Have the Gods taken leave of their senses?! Truly bizarre. Anyway, a nice trailer ensued so I’m fairly stoked for that - Dead space 2 looked decent too with a brief gameplay snippet. Their inevitable subscription model was announced and they showed a bunch of PSP stuff.

Yes all told lots of quality gaming, and the outpouring has only just begun in earnest – now it’s up to the journos of the world to all run round a massive building for 2 days, playing all the latest games and getting paid for it. Damn their eyes. Lots of updates, links, trailers images and dat to follow no doubt.. Truly we are all the winners though, for now we can all look forward to the fruits of their labours, and leave behind this embarrassing grapple over who’s respective flag bearer “won”.

Besides, like I said, it was Nintendo.

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Go Johnny go go go go..

Fantastic news for Natal enthusiasts still holding out for the verdict as to whether what we saw at E3 was real or dressed up fantasy. Impressions coming out of E3 have been very positive, but it still feels very much a believe it when I see it kind of experience. The cautious optimism however is gradually being replaced by downright frenzied excitement with the word that Johnny Chung Lee is part of the development team. You may recall Johnny Lee is the genius behind various Wii remote related applications, that pushed the boundaries of what technology could be made to do in the home. We all probably thought Nintendo would snap him up, but they have, it appears, been caught napping, and it's Microsoft who have made a very very wise decision.

Of Natal, on his blog Lee says "The human tracking algorithms that the teams have developed are well ahead of the state of the art in computer vision in this domain. The sophistication and performance of the algorithms rival or exceed anything that I've seen in academic research, never mind a consumer product". Strong praise indeed, and to have it come from the most recognised academic developer of home made motion tracking, bodes very well for Natal's credibility.

Lee is working on "making sure this can transition from the E3 stage to your living room", so I just got a whole lot more excited for how we'll be playing games in a few years time. As Lee says, "We would all love to one day have our own personal holodeck. This is a pretty measurable step in that direction." Blimey! Do want.

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Where you gonna run to?

Exciting times at the Treehouse, it gives me great pleasure to welcome aboard a new contributor, S1nnerman. A seasoned gamer and generally well rounded human being, S1nner will be offering his views on games, films, tv, photography, public transport, tupperware and animal trapping, and his arrival ushers in a great new era for the Treehouse, which I'm certain will be updated on a much more regular basis with the formation of a "crew". Innit.

As you may surmise, S1nner leans towards a more PS3-y outlook on gaming, a field sorely lacking attention round here, mainly cos I ain't got one. So I look forward to lots of lively debate about why a version of a game is "teh suck" on the other's console of choice, and why one platform exclusive is far superior over the others and probably sounds the death knell for their respective, inferior, console. That said, we both have wiis.

Game on!

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2009 hatez ur xboxes

So yes, it finally happened. As 2008 limped out of our lives (happy new year by the way) my poor little overworked xbox gasped, keeled over, twitched a bit and finally carked it. I couldn't quite believe it had happened - I thought it was one of those myths and legends of gaming lore that gamers tell their kids to frighten them, but it was all true and really happening. With a few days of valuable game playing holiday remaining as well. Bugger. It was Far cry 2 what done it. Clearly rendering all those pretty sunsets was too much for my Elite, which I had purposely held out for so as to avoid this situation.

Of course, I was straight on the blower to Microsoft, where a very helpful young man called Ryan with a bizarrely unidentifiable accent processed my claim. "Yes" I said. "Its the red ring." He was very comforting when I started weeping. So anyway, the claim is processed quick smart, and in a matter of days, UPS turn up to pick it up. Being at my parents for Christmas of course, that was where it is to be delivered back to, and some 2 weeks later, it has just arrived back there. Fairly impressive. But I cant get it off them for another week. Sheesh. With a bit of luck they will have replaced the console, and my new rig will be home to the fabled Jasper enhanced mother board. Here's hoping eh? I'm itching to get back to GOW and the rest. What a start to the year eh?

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In space no one can hear you plagiarise

The seasonal glut of must have games is upon us, leaving many of us with difficult decisions of where to spend our hard earned cash and time. I chose to spend my Halloween in the company of the xenomorphs courtesy of Dead Space, a chilling survival horror from the team that bought you er, The Simpsons Game.

With so much quality gaming almost upon us, should Dead Space divert your attention? Well, yes, yes it should.

It's been a long time coming, a decent sci-fi horror. Possibly not since the last Aliens Vs Predator game have we had a chance for some silent screaming terror. Dead Space is very much in the mould of an Alien spin off, set as it is aboard a monstrous "planet cracker" class spaceship, not called the Nostromo, that you arrive to fix having received the obligatory distress call. You are Isaac Clarke, mute engineer extraordinaire with a snazzy line in exoskeleton work suits and a girlfriend somewhere on the spooky ghost ship, which after crashing on, disabling your ship (natch) you set about fixing up to try and survive. For you see, the ship has gone quiet not due to a blown fuse, but because of a ship wide invasion of murderous abominations, the necromorphs, who have a habit on jumping on the nearest person and chomping them to sloppy gibs. For it emerges that when the miners "cracked the planet" something(s) came out, and now they're in all sorts of bother. Luckily for Isaac, as a trained engineer with a knack for wielding a plasma cutter, these horrible creatures' weakness is not a grenade up the nose. The obligatory "message scrawled in blood on the wall above a grisly corpse in a pool of blood and guts" informs us, "cut off their limbs!" Lop off a leg or an arm and they'll stop coming. Go for the head or body and its a different story.

What follows is a deeply atmospheric and gore laden creep through the bowels of the ship as you are dished out missions by your two surviving team members who boss you about from their safe hideyholes they've found themselves, and set about dismembering the army of ungodly horrors. The ship itself is the star of the show here, as you move through tight corridors that never feel generic or forced, but functional. These connect to key destinations where some feat of engineering is usually required to ensure the ships' and your, continued survival. These areas are some of the most impressive locales of recent memory, on a grand scale unexpected after the claustrophobia of the tunnels and lift shafts. These sections also typically make use of the cleverly implemented use of gravity; zero-g areas feature corpses and junk floating about in a (I imagine) tremendously realistic way. The necromorphs have no problem flying about in this state however, and are just as likely to leap on your head out of nowhere as in normal gravity. Likewise you are able to fly about the place and walk about the place Space Odyssey style, thanks to your magnetic boots. Aim at a distant ceiling and marvel as you fly across the expanse to gracefully touch down the right way up. It's a dizzyingly fun experience.

The mood of the game generally however is resolutely dreadful. That's a good thing remember. Fear pervades these halls, stalking you like a hungry mutant, and Redwood Falls play every trick in the book to make you jump. These are not always entirely successful, it's so easy to miss your cues after all, but generally the scares come thick and fast with rarely the same jump delivered twice. Praise has been showered on the soundtrack in particular, and rightly so. The sound design is brilliantly realised, with naturalistic and unnerving bump in the night effects that caused me to press pause and remove my headphones to listen on several occasions. The Ishimura creaks and groans. Sound in a vacuum is reduced to muffled thumping footsteps and your shrill breath as your oxygen ticks down. The necromorphs shriek and roar as they attack. Excellent stuff.

Your arsenal is similarly correct, being full of tools and slicey things. The saw blade that suspends itself in front of you to allow strategic carving of creatures is a particular favourite, and each gun comes with an alternate firing mode. Each one takes some getting used to to find the best way to use it effectively. Combat is best approached systematically, one limb at a time, and this can become a huge feat of prioritising later on when you're being attacked from all sides. Gunning and running becomes a panic inducing necessity, and when the strobes kick in and creatures are bursting though the walls, it can be hard to keep cool. Luckily your stasis module allows a limited slowdown of creatures (or fast machinery) to buy you some time, but the small energy bar it relies on means just a few burst before you're on your own again. Likewise, ammo is scarce enough to keep you in a perpetual state of dread, so you may want to make use of various exploding tea flasks dotted about the place which you can manipulate with your kinetic module (gravity gun) into the faces of unsuspecting beasties. The interaction of these two add-ons and your expansive arsenal makes for a variety of approaches, but remember, there is a tool for every job. The presentation of your various gubbins is also worth a mention; to keep you in Isaac's shoes there is no HUD - every part of your various menus and gauges are represented in game. Health is displayed as your glowing spine, inventories and video messages are projected in front of you. It's a slick and considered approach that is generally successful, although some camera issues can rear their head when you least need them to.

The creatures themselves are a diverse bunch and come in distinct flavours and classes from fast and lethal to small and swarmy, they can inspire serious shivers. Should they get too close, each has a series of attack animations where you must button mash to prevent dismemberment, but it's often entertaining to marvel at the horrifically inventive ways Isaac meets his demise. I was shocked by the Thing style head on tentacles that leapt onto my shoulders, knocked my own head off only to replace it with itself, pushing its tentacles into my chugging neck and lumbering off with my body, as the screen fades out resident evil style. There are too the occasional boss fights, and a few other pace breakers - and while a somewhat welcome change from the norm, these sections aren't as fun as they imagine, but do keep the gameplay from stagnating nicely.

That Dead Space is so obviously influenced by other games and films isn't an issue. Of course this has all been seen somewhere before. The quality of the execution goes a long way to excuse apparent unoriginality, and only the good stuff has been retained. Add in the interaction of all these diverse elements, and the game never feels unoriginal to play. In truth, only the hammy script lets it down in any real sense, and various revelations that come to light really aren't revelatory, and the plot that emerges is full of cliches of mad scientists and religious cultism and conspiracy.

Despite the ham and cheese, so well polished and tightly orchestrated as an experience, Dead Space asserts itself as one of the finest videogame lessons in horror yet, and while it might not keep you up at night pondering the plot, you may need to keep the light on for a while anyway.

Treehouse Rating

8.9

Horrible

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Braid takes you back

Well gosh it's been a while, what a busy time, so much to do so little time. So many films, so many games it's hard to know where to put ones brain. But I also spent some serious downtime by a lake which prohibited any kind of media consumption. Well apart from the ipod and ds, but hey it's not frickin punishment. Oh and I saw the Dark Knight in Italian which will now be forever known as Il Cavaliere Uscomo. Cool. Anyway, more about that later, I'm easing myself back into the chilly blog waters with this little post about Braid, so lets go..!

So Braid is another of these whizzy Xbox live jobs, which I'm getting more and more enthusiastic for these days. Although it may sound like an 80's scrolling shooter, this one is in fact a platform based puzzle game - the platforming you'll quickly discover is purely incidental since you can rewind time a la Prince of Persia (new fangled ones oldies) to undo horrendously timed jumps. The puzzling is compelling and at times downright baffling. I'm not sure I could remember how I solved many of the puzzles if I went back to it now, but the speedrun is calling the achievement whore in me a pussy so I may have to go back soon. While you can rewind time as much as you like, the puzzles are based around your manipulation of it, and the fact that various objects and creatures are affected by time in different ways. In fact, it's more complex than that as each of the new levels brings with it a different temporal conundrum - the one where everything in the level moves forward in time as you move right, and backwards as you move left is a doozie. My brain fell out. So as you manipulate time, and work out how to open the door you opened earlier with the key you used on that other door but can still use again because if you play it back quick enough you still have the key, you collect pieces of jigsaw puzzles that build the pictures adorning the walls of your hub home. So it's Mario meets Portal meets Prince of Persia meets Banjo Kazooie. Kinda. It's closest to Portal in terms of the warm little glow you'll feel when you finally grab that piece of the puzzle that moments earlier you swore blind on your mother's grave god rest her it is absolutely impossible to reach my copy of this shitty game is broken.

The best thing about Braid though iiis the graphics? No. Sorry, they're pretty and all, a forever shifting impressionist landscape for a background upon which crudely drawn sprites gambol and play that works beautifully, but it's the soundtrack the really brings them all to life. Cheery folk music played backwards has a wonderfully melancholy edge to it, an emotion that permeates the world from the heroes glum expression to the appallingly written "plot", which is the only real downpoint to the game - it reads like a goth teenagers angsty diary and is supposed to give some kind of context to the proceedings, but it would have been best left abstract. Imagine the mystery that would have engulfed teh nets if none of that had been present? What does it mean? What do the pictures signify?? We would be hailing the first Lynchian masterpiece of videogaming, a truly artistic and meaningful experience. As it is, you're left thinking seriously dude, man up, no wonder you can't get laid. The (admittedly brilliant) ending makes a lot of sense, she had clearly read your whiny little blog.

The awful writing however cannot ruin what is fundamentally a classy little game. Kinda pricey at 800 points considering how short it ultimately is, but while it lasts it's a joy. The demo is fairly substantial and certainly enough to work out if this is your kind of thing. My guess is it will be.

Update - humm, apparently it turns out its all about nuclear bombs. Whodathunkit? Guess the writing is more abstract than I thought. It's still bad though.

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Quick Czech In

Ok ok so Niko isn't remotely Czech but it was an easy pun and I'm very tired. Since GTA came out I've literally had no time for anything. Also the real world is conspiring against me to do it's darndest to keep me away from Liberty City, so updates and impressions have been impossible. Put it this way, after a mega shit-ton of playing, I'm on about 49%. This thing is huuuge. Hit the jump for a mini adventure..

So then, as time is short, a micro impression if you will, one of the standout moments for me in a game composed of standout moments. I have just unlocked the 2nd island Algonquin, or Manhattan, and after a few errands set about a proper explore. To allow myself full appreciation of the scenery I hail a cab and take it slow down past Middle (Central) Park and through Star Junction (Time Square, really must I explain everything?). As I pass the park it's raining. The sky is dark and threatening, pedestrians are running, umbrellas are up. But the rain eases as I approach the bright lights of the square and the radio starts to play the dramatic Philip Glass track featured in the original trailer. I didn't know it was Philip Glass previously mind, but I call "Zit", the track ID service from my (in game) phone as it had been bothering me what it was. Thus enlightened by the return text, I marvel at the spectacle of the city from the backseat of the cab as it nudges through the busy traffic, sky scrapers dripping neon, towering overhead, and the now dazzling setting sun throws down shafts of orange hazy light between the reaching towers. My (in game) phone starts ringing. It's my pesky cousin, probably wants to go bowling. I press reject, I'm enjoying the moment too much. I'll call him back later. Then it occurs to me. Jaysus what kind of game is this anyway? The existential crisis quickly passes however and I reach my destination, then go and buy a new suit and give a beggar some money. Unfortunately, I also happen to be reading American Psycho at the moment, and what happens next is ugly.

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GTA IV: heads and net to asplode

Its nearly upon us, the time when we should all down tools and Renton cold turkey style stock up on soup and buckets, nail the door shut, and get in there. With April 29th bearing down fast, the net has entered hypermode and is churning out exclusive revelations at an alarming rate. We are all excited, and must find the strength to soldier on in these difficult days, but who can resist these tantalising glimpses of the paradise that will soon be upon us? Look ye, on some of the latest seamy whiffs from behind the curtain, but put some newspaper down first eh?

• DLC is whole cities?
• Finally beat Gervais to death
• Multiplayer genius
• Awesome, awesome new tv ad
• 3 levels of whoring
• Official site update frenzy

The rumour of downloadable cities in particular is a buttock clenchingly exciting prospect, if only for the ps3 owner baiting it would facilitate. The fallout over which version is superior might be just as entertaining to watch as the game itself. Lets hope we and teh nets can survive the onslaught.

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COD4: The new sickness

I used to be a very sick person. I used to have an illness called Counterstrike. I first contracted the disease some 10 years ago shortly before I went to university, through chance and reckless curiosity. It was virulent. I found my whole outlook on life had to change to accommodate my affliction. I couldn't go out. I stopped calling my friends. My worried parents tried everything they could to take my mind off my condition, but nothing worked. Gradually though, over time, its hold on me has abated, letting me live my life again, although right up until this year I have been susceptible to violent relapses.

Now though, just as my convalescence was going so swimmingly, I have a new sickness. It is called COD4. Contracted over christmas, this condition has all the hall marks of counterstrike. Sweating. Violent rages and swearing. Compelling gunplay. Yes its got me good. Especially with a little something called prestige mode, xp is like crack to me now, feeding my illness. Bad (good?) news is, with new strains about to be released, I may continue to be debilitated by this cancer for a lot longer. Won't someone help free me and others from this condition? No don't bother, it's part of me now. I have to live the best I can.

But to the creators of this affliction, for yes, it was created, I say this:

Dear Infinity Ward

.

Can I please have:

• 5 new custom slots
• 10 new maps
• 20 new guns (including that sweet minigun)
• 60 new perks
• 80 new attachments
• 100,000,000 new challenges. Including ones for pistols.

Thanks!

Munial

PS: would it kill you to give people credit when they down a chopper? I mean, seriously, I need more xp.

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GTA IV : Do Want

GTAIV has a spiffy new website up, with lots of things to fiddle with. While always lurking in the pit of my consciousness, I am now reminded why this game is going to be great. People have shown concern that the move to a more realistic GTA may leave the world shorn of its irreverant humour, but the website just confirms that its as biting as ever. Checkout the section promoting the high fructose corn syrup drink "Sprunk" (Sprunk is definitely down), and the brilliant take on Stomp - "Banging trashcan lids for an hour".

The "Love meet" personality test is also worth a look - apparently my genitals are "ragged from overuse".

Oh there's also lots of character videos and new screenshots, but no one cares about that sort of stuff do they? April 29th needs to get a move on.

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Rez HD - "Feel the vibraaaaation"

I have up 'til now resisted the lure of microsoft point purchases. Nothing on Live has particularly piqued my interest. At all. I have no desire to play Halo again. I do not particularly wish to pay good money for a weird version of street fighter II. And I positively refuse to pay money for "pictures" of all my favourite gamer heroes. Lameness. This is incidentally in quite a contrast to the virtual console on wii, which I think is fantastic and has pumped my wallet hard over the last year. But now Microsoft's turn has come it seems, with the arrival of Rez HD. I never played Rez on the dreamcast, or Ps2, and have only really heard about it in recent weeks, as the internet got all moist about it's re-emergence. I wasn't even that excited to try it, but the demo popped up in the recently added section on live, and so I shrugged and downloaded the little blighter. This is where the demo service really comes into it's own, take note nintendo.

That said, I've tried other demos, and yet this one unlike them made me get my wallet out to sign up for points right away. Right away meaning after playing it through about 16 times, with my eyes streaming, making it hard to see those credit card numbers and my ears still reverberating with the thumping goa trance. Man that is some toe tapping goodness. The full game though is quite an astonishing experience. The interaction of the visuals and music, the much touted synaesthesia, really is a spectacle, pushing this game to the level of video art, an amzingly creative acheivement. As much as I hate trance per se, I love this stuff, each of the 4 levels tracks building and building to tub thumping crescendos. And then the 5th area, wow, just wow, pure coolness, really very zen. If this is all sounding a bit cryptic, I really can't be bothered to explain what this game actually is - its impossible to convey without making it sound a bit poo, the video above will have to do.

Its not a big game, or a very difficult one, but with lots of unlockables left this is clearly going to have some legs. At £8 who can argue? Its also as addictive as crack coated peanuts. It kind of reminds me of that game that seduces the crew of the enterpise because it gives them all "pleasure". Silly Ryker.

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..then name the system!

If ever a game was to score highly on the geek scale of want, this is it. I am left in a quandry though. Because, if ever there was a game to score highly on the must have the shiniest visuals and most solid physics ever scale, this is it. But if ever there was a game to score highly on the needs me to swing my controller around and flail my arms like a maniac, this is also it.

The wii sold alot of promises to me when I first heard about it all that time ago. The biggest one was lightsabres. I'm sure I am not alone in this. Since then however, I have succumbed (as I always intended mind) to the "proper" next gen console with all its techno bells and whistle glory. I have tasted of the sweet sweet fruit, and enjoyed licking my fingers afterwards. Now, I know that graphics etc are not the be all and end all, but the high powered beasts do make for different experiences above and beyond merely improved fidelity. The video above demosntrates this.

I really think the wii controls have done amazing things for gaming. When used properly, they are infinitely more fun to use than a standard controller, Resident Evil 4 is a prime example; awesome awesome aim mechanics. And what could be more appropriate than conducting storm troopers through the air, and slicing them down with the wiimote? But will the game be gimped by the realtively low tech? Kinda makes me wish nintendo would announce the wii2 already "hey, we made much more money way faster than we expected, we pushed our next model up a notch, and its ready already, here ya go".

Or will this be the first instance of where I buy a copy of a game on the wii, and the 360? Or is that too much geek? Even for a Star Wars fan? I want a lightsabre. But I need it to be shiny. Real shiny.

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