Portal 2 has toys

You: "Have you heard?!? Stephen Merchant is to have a starring role in Portal 2!!"
Me: "Orly? That's all very exciting, but I am trying to play angry birds"
You: "and they've announced loads of weird new tools and game elements.."
Me: "WHAT!! SHOW ME!!"



Yes, of infinitely more interest to the average British gamer than Merchant's continued domination of the quirky English accent with naturalistically awkward delivery market, is the reveal of the mind bendingly awesome toys we'll be playing with next year, which isn't that far away any more. It's gubbins galore in this sequel to the instant classic first person puzzler - a pant shreddingly exciting development, or bowel janglingly bad sign? Portal was special because of its simplicity and had little need of frill or pomp; a couple of portals, a few turrets and a vat of acid was plenty, so should we be worried? Of course not you silly goose, this is VALVE we're talking about, all will be well. More than well, if these typically cheery Aperture Science videos are aught to go by.

Come, come see the rest.. you monsters...

Bouncy blue goo, should work nicely with the slippy red goo, but larks o lordy, what a mess we're making.

The Excursion funnel hurts my mind just watching. This game is going to be confusing.



The Thermal Discouragement Beam; this is a euphemism for "laser"



Bouncing madness



This one sucks.. the walls.. off the walls..



Oh and, go on then, Stephen Merchant as Wheatley. I have no problem at all with using him, I find him an amusing and highly talented chap and besides, it's always nice to see English robots. Still, it's a bit of a departure for Valve to use such a well known talent - although perhaps outside of the UK, and the reach of those terrible Barclays adverts, he remains sufficiently unique for the average gamer. We'll see. Watched them all now? Ok good, now go back and read all the brilliant tiny small print on them - such as the back-story behind repulsion gel, as Aperture Science's second attempt at a dietetic pudding replacement..

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..and he saw that it was good.

In between all the great, good and frighteningly bad films I've been watching, I've still found time to play me games. That's all changed now, as I've found something better, but it's not quite a game.. yet. Spore has been a constant presence in gaming culture for aaages, but never really penetrated my consciousness until now. The game itself looks set to be a complex resource management affair, not really my cup of tea so I thought, but an afternoon with the recently released Creature Creator has changed all that. I've been meaning to download it for a while, but had not been busy enough. For it is only when procrastinating fiercely that one can truly waste some serious time doing something so marvelously pointless. A free, and small download, and you are given a beautifully implemented construction kit of life to fashion and shape your animal into whatever you see fit, then have them dance for your amusement. Youtube is of course full of dancing penises. The free trial contains only 25% of the full creator (which is fiver to buy), and in itself provides a dizzying range of possibilities. Mii channel eat your heart out. So come with me now, and behold my menagerie..

This here is Toothy. He has a face where his genitals should be. I agree, not a good start. He is dancing with his similarly freakish offspring. No explanation is given as to how a creature with a face for genitals has an offspring.

Ah this is more like it, Flapdoodle. He's a happy little fellow with tiny wings, huge ears and a permanent look of surprise. He is also bright purple to protect him from predators.

Predators like this fearsome looking chap. This is Creeple. He's quite friendly really, I just took a picture after making him angry by pressing the angry button. He may play American football. See how it looks like he has one of those old helmets on? Never mind.

This is Spryco. I think I was going for a play on Spyro, although I'm not sure why. Anyway, he's a highly generic lizard type, but has a lovingly crafted spine.

Another ugly one, this is Grimball. He is quite grim when he's scuttling about, but I think he needs a better name. Scuttler perhaps? He has a rather nice paintjob.

Not a great picture, but that's probably for the best, this is a Long Haired Ballgrin, so called because of his flowing hair and prominent balls. The hair is flowing from his bottom. My most obscene creation thus far.

This is Phuckeduck. He is a pun. A fairly bad one too. Breaks my heart, cos he's an ugly little fucker, and all the more sad for it. How depressing.

This is Sparky, another poorly named exhibit. Again, It's a shame, cos I think I've really captured the surprise a shark might feel given legs and placed on dry land, and he is almost certainly deserving of a better name. Any ideas?

And finally, my favourite, Plootle. Look at that face! Look at that colour! Did you ever see as handsome a bug as he? So bright eyed and full of wonder. And to see him dance, oh! He's far superior to that fat german in a Bug's Life.

So thats it, if you're still here, thanks for reading, I will probably do a creature update again, possibly not as extensively unless I've got some real wonders to show off. That's if I don't get bored of creating. But it looks like I may have to actually buy the damn game as I need more antennae. Why are you still here anyway, don't you have some life to fashion?

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C.H.E.A.P.

If you, like many, missed out on S.T.A.L.K.E.R. Shadow of Chernobyl, you really did just that. The best broken game of last year is a real treat despite its many glitches, quirks and issues, its dark landscapes remain morbidly compelling and worth revisiting. Especially should you have a decent enough rig to squeeze the highest settings out of it (I don't). I still enjoy wandering around the melancholy wastelands, hunting radioactive mutant pig things with my sniper rifle. I really should try and get the proper ending as well, as mine was a bit of an anticlimax all told. Deviate from the pre scripted plot too much and you're gifted with a short sharp kick to the pills as reward for all your hard endeavours. Yes, another game to re-complete. Point is, its a good one.

So colour me shocked that today in Virgin (sorry Zavvi - ugh) they're giving away this modern classic for a mere five note. "Sorry what?" FIVE quid! Ridiculous! I didn't know whether to gather all the copies up there and then in a move to become a savvy consumer, but then thought the better of it. Surely this is some mistake? I urge you to run to your nearest Chavvis and fleece them by snapping up this outrageous bargain, before the brain bug spots it's error.

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