Saturday, 7 February 2009

Twilight Review - Me Love You Long Time – Sucky sucky!

First things first, I should point out that I have not read the popular book this film is based on, so this is a review of the film alone.

I’m a huge fan of vampire (or vampyre) movies and books but Twilight is not a vampire film in the traditional sense of the word. It’s a love story between vampire Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) born in 1901 and is frozen in his perfectly brooding 17-year-old body and Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) a genuinely 17 year old girl who moves to Forks to live with her father. (Technically, he's a dirty old man)

The vampires in this film are positively anaemic. They have no fangs, can walk in daylight, have reflections and perfect hair. In fact, they’re so perfect, their skin sparkles in direct sunlight. I quickly realised this is a film targeting young women/teens who still believe in undying love and older women who are single and still want true love to exist. That probably explains why I struggled to prevent hysterical giggles from escaping my lips at times. This is a seriously cheesy movie. So cheesy in fact I could feel my arteries clogging with unhealthy doses of clichéd and clunky dialogue constantly declaring undying love and showing torturous scenes of endless eye gazing. Pass me a sick bag. Now before anyone gets their knickers in a twist, I must declare my enjoyment of many ‘chick-flicks’ – I have a quite a few in my movie collection. And I’m not afraid to admit it. But Twilight is just too much even for me to stomach. I love a good weepy. A beautiful romance. But this film has little going for it. - it simply doesn't flow. The lines are delivered as sound bites. Here’s a good example: Edward Cullen: “Are you afraid?” Bella Swan: “I'm only afraid of losing you.” Oh purlease.

Twilight had great potential. A different twist on the vampire theme, of love, of living and the meaning of life itself and it fails to deliver on all counts. In short, and pun intended, it sucks and totally lacks any bite. Avoid unless you’re a girl, a single woman or a guy who has a new girlfriend and wants to impress and bed her.


Heather said...

Hahah I actually totally loved this movie. I saw the movie before I read the books. I'm a huge fan of vampire movies but I don't consider this a vampire movie. I consider it a love story and I love it hahah.

S1nnerman said...

I'm saying nothing :P However, I will read the books and post reviews. They may (as is usual) be much better than the film :)

Anonymous said...

you are such a loser. i mean seriously, you know you loved the movie ;) and you are so overexaggerating.

love, lily