Wednesday, 18 February 2009

Behold the future of cinema!

How best to convey what I took from my recent viewing of "My Bloody Valentine"? A full review, giving it the time and effort deserving of an endeavour undertaken by many talented people? No. Perhaps some impressions, a quick run down of key plot points and emotions evoked by the work? Hmm maybe. But I know, first, how about a quick visit to thesaurus .com? Ok, here we go, typing s-t-u-p-i-d.. ok, ah yes, you see I knew it! behold! A review of My bloody Valentine! Now, if I simply type, "My bloody Valentine is... and copy that, and paste this, et voila! A fully functional and perfectly succinct review that misses out no salient point! here it is:

My Bloody Valentine is: brainless, dazed, deficient, dense, dim, doltish, dopey*, dull, dumb, dummy*, foolish, futile, gullible, half-baked*, half-witted*, idiotic, ill-advised, imbecilic, inane, indiscreet, insensate, irrelevant, laughable, loser*, ludicrous, meaningless, mindless, moronic, naive, nonsensical, obtuse, out to lunch, pointless, puerile, rash, senseless, shortsighted, simple, simpleminded, slow, sluggish, stolid, stupefied, thick, thick-headed, trivial, unintelligent, unthinking, witless

Ok so some of those don't work, not sure what dummy and loser are doing in there, and "out to lunch"? Must be an American thing? Perhaps you think I'm being harsh? But I'm really not. I'm offended by this film. I'm offended that such a steaming turd can be plopped in our laps and we're supposed to gobble it down grinning a shit stained leer at our gracious feeders. What a waste of time. What a waste of money. Do you really want to know the plot? It's pretty pointless? It's a remake of an 80's slasher film. No I hadn't seen it either. Ok come with me, mind the shit..


So at some point in some middle American mining town, some guy goes nanas and murders lots of miner types, only to wake up from the coma he was in afterwards and horribly massacre half of the hospital. He then returns to his mine (?) to horribly murder lots of teenagers who are all drinking and horribly touching each other up. Some of the teenagers, including the healthy, good natured looking one and the greasy mean spirited one survive. Ten years pass. I had thought it might end here and spare me another hour.
But no, it limps on like a wounded teenager. So ten years down the line, the healthy good looking one is back in town. It's the anniversary of the murders. The greasy probably evil one is the local sheriff. People start getting murdered again! By the same man wearing his distinctive mining outfit complete with mining lamp on helmet to shine into the camera. Oh yes, I forgot! This is in 3D!! Imagine! in this day and age, THREE dimensions! On a 2D screen! Amazing! This of course totally justifies the lack of any kind of script or plot or acting ability from our stars, as long as we can intermittently wave a stick towards the camera the audience will squeal in orgasmic delight and throw popcorn on each other and start having an orgy. That's what happened in my cinema anyway. So, yes people start getting killed. Of course, I say people, more like gratuitously full frontally naked tarts who run around for ages first flashing their lady bits at us (in 3D!!). The murders are naturally supremely, over the top gory and pickaxe impalement of eyeballs and soft, vulnerable bald heads is order of the day here. The killer thoughtfully sends the victim's hearts to their loved ones in heart shaped chocolate boxes. It has relevance to Valentine's day you see.


Anyway, there's some kind of conspiracy (oh look I found a plot over here) going on around did the original murderer die or not and everybody in the audience wonders about whether it will turn out to be the goodie or the baddie between literally vomiting with excitement at the amount of things being pointed at the camera. No one wonders more than the extraordinarily inept lead lady who used to go out with the nice one, but married the nasty one. She really is a piece of work, truly outshining even the midget in the really very bad acting field. Anyway, this goes on for 90 minutes, people getting chased and flayed by this man in a mining outfit who somehow gets about without being seen (my disbelief was suspended at hello) and via every conceivable horror cliche until the big secret is revealed, and we all wander off scratching our heads about how such a thing gets made

Really, I may be coming off as a bit of a grouch here, "gosh Munial, chill out man, it's just a bit of fun, it's not supposed to be taken seriously" blah blah blah. I say, No! You chill out good sir. Why shouldn't it be taken seriously? Who says so? What has this film done to become exempt from reasonable analysis? Scream was a bit of fun. Scream didn't take itself seriously. And it was a good film for it - funny with some quite scary moments, and a cleverly written script. This is a pile of cynical, money grubbing tat, catering for the lowest common denominator hick in the audience, throwing gore and tits at them til they think they've had a good time, and they stumble out of the cinema to text their idiot friends, man that was film was sick ! I wouldn't mind perhaps if the 3-D was even good, but it's not! Not even close! Beowulf was far more immersive. This was a film made for the sole purpose of scaring an audience with the enhancement that modern 3-D can bring, which is substantial by the way, and they totally blew it on cheap tricks. Is it too much to expect from a scary film, oh I don't know, a scare or two?? And most 3d films have at least one moment where you raise your hands up screaming "oh goodness that pickaxe is coming out of the screen at my eeeeye!!" Not here. Most horror films have moments in them when you say, well that character wouldn't have done that. Here every scene, whether horror or not is like that. The script must have been written by a classroom of ritalin deprived monsters, as not one aspect of this rings remotely true, and not one line delivered is convincing. It's the kind of script you or I might conceive if a studio exec held a gun to our heads and declared we had 2 minutes to outline the plot for a block buster horror film, or we diiie. In fact, now that I've thought of that I'm convinced that is how this film came to be. This wouldn't be so depressing until you remember it's a remake. Even the story, limp as it was, wasn't their own. But I must be honest, I haven't laughed so much at a film for a long time, although the film is amazingly, completely devoid of jokes too. This is not what I expect from the editor of such horror greats as Scream and Mimic. Wait, what? Oh.

I am of course, as I am painfully aware, banging my head against a brick wall here. For indeed the cinema was choc full of those people who stumble out at the end to text their friends about how sick that bit where he pulled a guys jawbone off was. Currently chalking up $50 mil at the box office, someone on the end of this argument is wrong, and it may just be me. 3D is the next big thing, probably more so than we realise right now, and so carpet baggers are going to be with us for the next 12 months, dropping poo pies into our gullets as Johnny-No-Hat gradually becomes aware of this new freedee thing, and starts to expect more than someone poking a biro at the screen. If James Cameron had seen this ten years ago, would he have declared 3D a dead end and gone back to being a trucker? Probably not, but thank St James though that soon the imbeciles will see what 3D is really capable of, and cynical abortions of films like this will become a distant memory until the next "innovation" comes along.>Now if you'll excuse me, I'm just off to Dictionary.com to start work on my 3-D horror script before this goldfield dries out. Perhaps someone would be so kind as to motivate me?

2 comments:

fraleyb said...

Heh, your rant made me laugh. I'm going to be your follower. ;)

Munial said...

Brilliant, our first! thanks and welcome! I've calmed down a bit now, but damn that movie sucked!