Sunday, 13 July 2008

..and he saw that it was good.

In between all the great, good and frighteningly bad films I've been watching, I've still found time to play me games. That's all changed now, as I've found something better, but it's not quite a game.. yet. Spore has been a constant presence in gaming culture for aaages, but never really penetrated my consciousness until now. The game itself looks set to be a complex resource management affair, not really my cup of tea so I thought, but an afternoon with the recently released Creature Creator has changed all that. I've been meaning to download it for a while, but had not been busy enough. For it is only when procrastinating fiercely that one can truly waste some serious time doing something so marvelously pointless. A free, and small download, and you are given a beautifully implemented construction kit of life to fashion and shape your animal into whatever you see fit, then have them dance for your amusement. Youtube is of course full of dancing penises. The free trial contains only 25% of the full creator (which is fiver to buy), and in itself provides a dizzying range of possibilities. Mii channel eat your heart out. So come with me now, and behold my menagerie..

This here is Toothy. He has a face where his genitals should be. I agree, not a good start. He is dancing with his similarly freakish offspring. No explanation is given as to how a creature with a face for genitals has an offspring.

Ah this is more like it, Flapdoodle. He's a happy little fellow with tiny wings, huge ears and a permanent look of surprise. He is also bright purple to protect him from predators.

Predators like this fearsome looking chap. This is Creeple. He's quite friendly really, I just took a picture after making him angry by pressing the angry button. He may play American football. See how it looks like he has one of those old helmets on? Never mind.

This is Spryco. I think I was going for a play on Spyro, although I'm not sure why. Anyway, he's a highly generic lizard type, but has a lovingly crafted spine.

Another ugly one, this is Grimball. He is quite grim when he's scuttling about, but I think he needs a better name. Scuttler perhaps? He has a rather nice paintjob.

Not a great picture, but that's probably for the best, this is a Long Haired Ballgrin, so called because of his flowing hair and prominent balls. The hair is flowing from his bottom. My most obscene creation thus far.

This is Phuckeduck. He is a pun. A fairly bad one too. Breaks my heart, cos he's an ugly little fucker, and all the more sad for it. How depressing.

This is Sparky, another poorly named exhibit. Again, It's a shame, cos I think I've really captured the surprise a shark might feel given legs and placed on dry land, and he is almost certainly deserving of a better name. Any ideas?

And finally, my favourite, Plootle. Look at that face! Look at that colour! Did you ever see as handsome a bug as he? So bright eyed and full of wonder. And to see him dance, oh! He's far superior to that fat german in a Bug's Life.

So thats it, if you're still here, thanks for reading, I will probably do a creature update again, possibly not as extensively unless I've got some real wonders to show off. That's if I don't get bored of creating. But it looks like I may have to actually buy the damn game as I need more antennae. Why are you still here anyway, don't you have some life to fashion?

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Tuesday, 8 July 2008

But nothing's happening?

Mindful as I am of this blog becoming a dedicated movie blog, which was never my intention, I must say a few words on M Night Shyamalan's "The Happening" which I was lucky enough to see recently. Luck is of course, a relative notion, but optimistic soul as I am, I do indeed consider myself lucky to have seen it, relative perhaps to someone who has no eyes, or perhaps less politically incorrectly, someone who had to, say, organise the dubbing on the Italian version, who probably had to watch it several times and had to relate every abysmal word of the god awful script into something that made sense in another language. And though mine is but the tiny voice of a humble blogger, I'll add it to the cacophony that wish ill upon SHAMayalan, and cheer that he may be stripped of his fortunes, and chased through the streets like a convicted kitten drowner. No, this isn't a review. This is catharsis.

A lot of people might start their bashing with "Now I'm not a M Night Shyamalan hater but..". Well, let's be clear, I am. I think the man is a joke. The Sixth Sense is a film buoyed only by its exceptional performances and a half decent twist (he's a ghost). The actual story on closer inspection makes little sense. Everything else he's ever made is turd. Signs? Turd. The Village. Boring turd. Unbreakable. Turd sandwich. I haven't even seen Lady in the water which I hear is so turd I can't even bring myself to sit through it. "So why watch something if you're just going to hate it" you cry. Well, because I like films, so if I'm going to have an informed opinion, it helps to watch it. If he were to turn in a good film, I'd report back a good review. This is not opinion, this is fact. In all honesty I watched every frame in disbelief, that such a god awful piece of shit could possibly have been made.

So little actually happens in the Happening that it is truly undeserving of a proper review. People mysteriously start killing themselves en masse when the wind blows. Everyone is a bit spooked and get on trains/in cars. Is it terrorists? Is it the plants? Is it the script? Kill me now. Marky Mark tries to come up with a rational explanation (he's a science teacher stupid), Zooey Deschanel agonises over pudding. Everybody behaves in an unconvincing manner. The one time you'll be praying for a twist, and there isn't one. That's the twist. And then it ends. Some of the scenes, you couldn't call them set pieces, are so laughable, so pathetic, it spills over the heady amusement of car crash film and leaves you actually depressed that this no talent prick gets funding. A particularly terrifying encounter sees our heroes trying to outrun the wind for fucks sake. "stay ahead of the wind!" Marky Mark whimpers, looking over his shoulder. "here it comes!". Fuck off. Then other stuff happens so painfully pointless I really cant be bothered to summarise it. Even Shamayalan cant be bothered to make his egotistical little appearance in person this time around, as if he knew he was actually making a third rate twilight zone knock off and not a film at all. For a rundown of the quality of the writing checkout , who have an abridged and startlingly accurate script for you.

Having dabbled in acting myself I quickly learned, when you, as an actor, do good, its your performance. When you do bad, it the director's. And that's because the director has perspective on what you're doing, he or she can see the big picture, and whether you have achieved the emotional payoff the scene or line requires. Here, Shyamalan has extracted some of the most appalling performances ever committed to celluloid, and it is entirely his fault. We know these people can act, I've seen them do it. At one point I assumed their flat delivery and painful absence of emotion would turn out to be integral to the plot; they're all lobotomized zombie aliens perhaps? They're not. No, their interaction is by turns baffling, awkward and ultimately, entirely fake. Every line is an embarrassment. Every sentiment is broken. Each attempt at humour will puzzle you. Every attempt at horror will make you laugh. Every second of every scene is a waste of your time. Never have I seen such a misguided attempt at film making. Maybe it's all actually an experimental attempt at making a film so bad, people will go to see it just to see if it's true how bad it is?

But no, Shamster simply isn't that smart. The man is a fraud and a charlatan, depriving other talents of badly needed funding and attention, and who actually believes he is making good movies. Click here for a taste of the terror, introduced by the man himself. And yes, you did just hear him compare his turd to the Godfather and the Birds. Is there a petition to forbid him from ever making another film? Sign me up.

Its not a proper review, but here's the score anyway.

Verdict 1/5

He gets 1 for the damage he's done himself. Good show!

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