Tuesday, 8 July 2008

But nothing's happening?

Mindful as I am of this blog becoming a dedicated movie blog, which was never my intention, I must say a few words on M Night Shyamalan's "The Happening" which I was lucky enough to see recently. Luck is of course, a relative notion, but optimistic soul as I am, I do indeed consider myself lucky to have seen it, relative perhaps to someone who has no eyes, or perhaps less politically incorrectly, someone who had to, say, organise the dubbing on the Italian version, who probably had to watch it several times and had to relate every abysmal word of the god awful script into something that made sense in another language. And though mine is but the tiny voice of a humble blogger, I'll add it to the cacophony that wish ill upon SHAMayalan, and cheer that he may be stripped of his fortunes, and chased through the streets like a convicted kitten drowner. No, this isn't a review. This is catharsis.

A lot of people might start their bashing with "Now I'm not a M Night Shyamalan hater but..". Well, let's be clear, I am. I think the man is a joke. The Sixth Sense is a film buoyed only by its exceptional performances and a half decent twist (he's a ghost). The actual story on closer inspection makes little sense. Everything else he's ever made is turd. Signs? Turd. The Village. Boring turd. Unbreakable. Turd sandwich. I haven't even seen Lady in the water which I hear is so turd I can't even bring myself to sit through it. "So why watch something if you're just going to hate it" you cry. Well, because I like films, so if I'm going to have an informed opinion, it helps to watch it. If he were to turn in a good film, I'd report back a good review. This is not opinion, this is fact. In all honesty I watched every frame in disbelief, that such a god awful piece of shit could possibly have been made.

So little actually happens in the Happening that it is truly undeserving of a proper review. People mysteriously start killing themselves en masse when the wind blows. Everyone is a bit spooked and get on trains/in cars. Is it terrorists? Is it the plants? Is it the script? Kill me now. Marky Mark tries to come up with a rational explanation (he's a science teacher stupid), Zooey Deschanel agonises over pudding. Everybody behaves in an unconvincing manner. The one time you'll be praying for a twist, and there isn't one. That's the twist. And then it ends. Some of the scenes, you couldn't call them set pieces, are so laughable, so pathetic, it spills over the heady amusement of car crash film and leaves you actually depressed that this no talent prick gets funding. A particularly terrifying encounter sees our heroes trying to outrun the wind for fucks sake. "stay ahead of the wind!" Marky Mark whimpers, looking over his shoulder. "here it comes!". Fuck off. Then other stuff happens so painfully pointless I really cant be bothered to summarise it. Even Shamayalan cant be bothered to make his egotistical little appearance in person this time around, as if he knew he was actually making a third rate twilight zone knock off and not a film at all. For a rundown of the quality of the writing checkout cracked.com , who have an abridged and startlingly accurate script for you.

Having dabbled in acting myself I quickly learned, when you, as an actor, do good, its your performance. When you do bad, it the director's. And that's because the director has perspective on what you're doing, he or she can see the big picture, and whether you have achieved the emotional payoff the scene or line requires. Here, Shyamalan has extracted some of the most appalling performances ever committed to celluloid, and it is entirely his fault. We know these people can act, I've seen them do it. At one point I assumed their flat delivery and painful absence of emotion would turn out to be integral to the plot; they're all lobotomized zombie aliens perhaps? They're not. No, their interaction is by turns baffling, awkward and ultimately, entirely fake. Every line is an embarrassment. Every sentiment is broken. Each attempt at humour will puzzle you. Every attempt at horror will make you laugh. Every second of every scene is a waste of your time. Never have I seen such a misguided attempt at film making. Maybe it's all actually an experimental attempt at making a film so bad, people will go to see it just to see if it's true how bad it is?

But no, Shamster simply isn't that smart. The man is a fraud and a charlatan, depriving other talents of badly needed funding and attention, and who actually believes he is making good movies. Click here for a taste of the terror, introduced by the man himself. And yes, you did just hear him compare his turd to the Godfather and the Birds. Is there a petition to forbid him from ever making another film? Sign me up.

Its not a proper review, but here's the score anyway.

Verdict 1/5

He gets 1 for the damage he's done himself. Good show!

1 comment:

The cup is half full of something I don't like said...

6th sense good.

All other M. movies bad or slooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow to the point of being stone.