Tuesday, 19 October 2010

What's Wrong With Star Wars?

To celebrate the news of Star Wars' glorious transition to 3-D, its time to sit down and really think about what this means. This means we have to sit through the prequels again. In 3D. Right? Perhaps you're one of those people who can live with the prequels, who thinks to themselves "hey they're not all bad, sure in the context of the originals, they're a little shaky, but hey, they're still quality films" all while wringing their Yoda doll a little too tightly. Look, I'm as guilty as anyone. So bedazzled by Episode One's epic 3-way lightsaber fight was I, I declared "it couldn't have been better!" like some starstruck idiot. True. How a little distance clears the mind. But back then, in the context of the promise of two more prequels yet to be, it was unthinkable that they might turn out as bad as they did, and hope is a powerfully misleading ally. It was only after all three were in the bank that I could really look back, pick it apart properly, and come to the grim realisation of what they had done to the beauty of the Star Wars universe.

Perhaps you haven't realised the folly yet. Perhaps you still live in the world where there are 6 good Star Wars movies and not just 3? Then do I have the video review for you! This epic piece of internet genius is a 90 minute review of just episode 2, Attack of the Clones, brought to you by a man effortlessly gadding along the tightrope of madness and genius. Now 90 minutes, nearly as long as the film itself, may seem a little over the top, and after the first couple of minutes, you will most likely declare it physically impossible to listen to this guy's voice for that long. That's just what I said. And yet, after 80 minutes there I was still, unable to ignore the clarity, the wisdom, the hilarity and the cold hard truth of every word this man was monotonising. It is brilliantly funny, and absolutely spot on in every detail, particularly his relentlessly logical dissection of the "romance" at the heart of this episode in parts 4 & 5. Inter cut with interviews and DVD extra footage, it exposes Lucas' cold hard businessman heart and the plain nonsensical plot strings & thought processes behind each scene, and ultimately his nasty, mean spirited rape of his own creative work. No, I cant even talk about it myself, it's still too painful. Just watch and laugh your socks off, til the tears come.

Continue uh, "reading" for the rest.. if you really don't have time, skip to part 7 for a particularly damning summary of how George ruined the force and the lightsaber, the most beloved facets of the originals, in one fell scene..

Now go checkout the review of the Phantom Menace... Just 70 minutes this time..

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